As part of the antidote to TwitRelief (which is a lovely idea, don't get me wrong), I am offering my services as a nonentity.

If you win me, I will:

- Follow you for 90 days (minimum)

- Regularly respond to your Tweets in a rude and abusive manner (I reserve to right to forget and respond in a nice way)

- Feign interest in what you are doing

- Retweet you a few times

- If we get on, mock you and maybe add you to my #FollowFriday list - a surefire way of losing followers

As a special treat, I will also occasionally (during the 90 day period) send you a Twitpic of something inconsequential.

PLEASE NOTE: If you win me and I already follow you, I will attempt to do the above but more so.

Every penny raised from this auction will go to Comic Relief.  I reserve the right not to be funny.  The penguin controls most things.

I will do requests.

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On 12-Mar-11 at 22:42:38 GMT, seller added the following information:

The following information was added after the bidding started...

Just to be completely clear, I am @jamesmb on the Twitter.  Feel free to ask any questions on here.  I have already been asked if I would be nice to someone if they wanted and I have reluctantly agreed but I will need you to opt for 'nice' at the beginning of the process.

There is NO postage (someone did ask - seriously, what were they expecting? That I'd post myself to them with a iPhone so that I could tweet them? *shakes head*).

I have so far thought of no 'extra' services - unlike some of the #TwitRelief types.  I have very few famous mates but you'd be more than welcome to join me down by the local kebab van if it helps you bid.  (I don't actually know if we have a local kebab van - so don't hold me to that.  There was a van thing out the other night when I came back late.  They did really nice chips. Much better than you'd imagine. But I couldn't swear that they did kebabs - I stayed away from the meat products.  Don't get me wrong, I bet they were good but, at the end of the day, it would have been food out of a van - there's probably a reason they don't have a Michelin star... OK, I didn't actually look to see whether they had a Michelin star.  They might have done.  They certainly had a valid tax disc - which is what you want out of a chip van.  Other than chips that is.)

If I get round to finishing it, I do have an eBook coming out later this year - you could have a copy of that if you want.  Although I can't sign it for you.

What else? There was something else... No, I can't remember what it was.

Do ask questions - they don't have to be relevant!