Author Biography

Dr. Michael I. Bennett, educated at both Harvard College and Harvard Medical School, is a board-certified psychiatrist, Canadian, and Red Sox fan. While he's worked in every aspect of his field, from hospital administration to managed care, his major interest is his private practice that he's been running for almost thirty years. The author of F*ck Feelings, with his daughter Sarah Bennett, he lives with his wife in Boston and New Hampshire. Sarah Bennett has written for magazines, the Internet, television, and books. She also spent two years writing for a monthly sketch comedy show at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York City. When not living by her philosophy of "will write for food," Sarah walks her dog, watches Red Sox games, and avoids eye contact with other humans. Somehow, she lives in New Hampshire and works in New York. F*ck Feelings, written with her father Dr. Michael I. Bennett, is her first book.

Review

"A tough-love, irreverent take on 'life's impossible problems.'"-- "The Atlantic"
"Engaging...it's hard to argue with the book's advice."-- "Elle"
"Gives the middle finger to the self-help genre....Refreshingly blunt."-- "Harper's Bazaar"
"The Bennetts have no time for gooey motivational slogans....Together they urge readers to abandon a quest for perfection in favor of realistic attempts at betterment....The Bennetts' goal is not that you might finish the book and say, 'I am perfect, ' but that you might finish the book and say, 'I am the best version of myself that I can be at the moment.'-- "The New York Times Book Review"
"Entertaining...refreshing...hilarious...funny and useful."-- "Publishers Weekly"
"Refreshingly honest....Psychiatrist Michael and his comedy-writing daughter, Sarah, bring the funny, but they are also eminently sensible."-- "The New York Times Book Review"

Review Quote

"The Bennetts have no time for gooey motivational slogans....Together they urge readers to abandon a quest for perfection in favor of realistic attempts at betterment....The Bennetts' goal is not that you might finish the book and say, 'I am perfect,' but that you might finish the book and say, 'I am the best version of myself that I can be at the moment.'

Excerpt from Book

F*ck Love Chapter 1 F*ck Charisma Unlike other attractive superficial qualities--looks, finances, a handbag so exclusive it has a first name--charisma can''t be faked or procured. As appealing traits go, it''s a double whammy because it''s not just inherently ingratiating, but, like blond hair or a high metabolism, it''s a genetic gift; true charismatics are born, not made, and they possess the kind of magnetic charm that makes everybody like them and want to believe everything they say, no matter how high the bullshit quotient. That a charismatic person makes us feel good on so many levels, however, is a sign that he''s not necessarily good to build a life with. Charisma is even more effective than other superficial qualities at drawing you to people who, were they slightly less charming, you''d quickly realize were human plague. Charisma can blind you to character traits you need to be looking at and compromise your future, safety, and common sense. On the other hand, being attracted to someone who''s totally uncharismatic is about as likely as having a crush on a floor lamp. You''re most susceptible to charismatic relationships if you feel bored with life and unhappy with yourself, e.g., when you''re broke and lonely, unhappy at work, or generally feeling useless, unattractive, and miserable. That''s when contact with charisma promises to lift you out of the doldrums and imbue your life with excitement that would otherwise never happen. Unfortunately, most of us are unhappy or bored at some time in our lives. What makes us particularly vulnerable to the seduction of charisma is the feeling that, just because we can''t make our lives better and more interesting, we''re failures. That''s when secondhand charisma feels like a magic power that can transform us from losers to winners, from unlovable to the most beloved, special creatures in the world. Ironically, thinking your charisma makes you special is just as dangerous. You''d think you''d love your charismatic self and its ability to get dates, above-your-true-ability job opportunities, and every last call returned. After the excitement passes, however, you''re left with a job or relationship that, for various reasons, may not work and is often boring. Since you need to generate excitement to feel like a success, you always have to move on, often leaving in your wake a lot of people who feel angry and betrayed. Charisma is inherently magnetic, but just when it seems to draw you into a deeper connection, it''s most likely to pull you under, blinding you to what''s going to happen next or addicting you to searches that lead nowhere. The Good Things You Want Charisma to Deliver * A feeling of significance in everything you''re saying and doing with this magical significant someone. * A sense of confidence that allows you to approach people so easily you''re basically "the human whisperer." * A glow from feeling that a fascinating person finds you fascinating and everyone else in the room is total bullshit. * A relief from the way you hated yourself and your life before this person made you and your life seem downright lovable. * A confidence that comes from knowing you''re with the right person, in the right place, and all is right with the world. Profile of the Charismatic Traits associated with people seen as charismatics include: * Physical attributes: Expert at knowing just how to approach you, smile at you, lock eyes with you, and "accidentally" touch you to convey confidence and connection, regardless of how they actually feel about themselves, you, or anything else. * Common occupations: Those that turn connection and respect into money, such as preaching, litigating, politicking, acting, and big-ticket selling (mansions, boats, huge yachts that are actually mansion-boats, etc.). * What attracts you first: Some intangible quality that commands your attention for reasons that aren''t clear, i.e., isn''t based on attractiveness, intelligence, or anything short of hypnotism. * Other early red flags: Your inability to put your finger on what you like about him, aside from his ability to make a strong impression; basically, in describing this person, you sound as if you''re talking about a delightful new street drug instead of a human, and other people in his orbit seem to agree. Seeking Charisma Charisma seems like an ideal quality for drawing people together since it inspires attraction and respect and has more to do with personality than beauty or wealth. It protects one from the pain of rejection and the embarrassment of bombing at dinner parties. While charisma might be less superficial than some traits, it still exists fairly close to the surface; charisma has nothing to do with character, reliability, or impulse management, and it''s less than ideal for predicting reliability, fidelity, and a capacity for hard work. Being charmed can give you fuzzy feelings for someone; it can also give you the wrong idea about the person you think you should be with. Here are three examples: * I have a friend at work who''s got a magnetic personality and I enjoy talking to her, but I never know whether she really likes me or is just being her usual attractive self. I always get the feeling when we''re talking that I''m special to her, but she sounds like that with other people, too, and I don''t want to make a move at work that could then make things embarrassing. My goal is to figure out whether her feelings for me are special, or whether she''s naturally magnetic and I''m just part of her entourage. * My boyfriend is tremendously attractive, and I know he loves me, but he also loves attention, and I think he has trouble saying no to at least some of his many female fans. He''s a great salesman, which means he''s such a great bullshitter that he''s good at bull-shitting himself. My goal is to figure out whether he''s capable of a committed relationship. * People love my girlfriend because she''s totally spontaneous and fun to be with, but I see the other side, which is that she''s also sometimes angry and mistrustful, and that''s when I wonder what our relationship would be like if we got serious. My goal is to help her get over her insecurities, so she can be the happy, charming person we all love. Charisma seems like a desirable asset in a long-term relationship because it doesn''t wear out or depend on looks or money; after all, ''tis nobler to choose someone with a good personality over good cheekbones or a good investment portfolio. Unfortunately, having a good personality and just being good at attracting people are rarely the same thing. One problem with seeking a relationship with a charismatic person is that it''s often hard to tell whether she likes you as much as she seems to and, at the crush stage, whether your first overtures will be accepted or rejected. The real issue, however, is not whether you may suffer a little humiliation when you discover that the intense interest, intimate conversation, and love-song-strength eye contact don''t really reflect more than your crush''s desire to captivate. It''s that, even if she is interested, she may never belong to you as much as she belongs to her public. So instead of trying to figure out whether this woman is actually interested in you or is this way with everyone, take a moment to determine whether she''s actually worth pursuing in the first place, since a relationship with her is bound to make you feel neglected, insecure, and possibly angry and jealous. You may find that it would be better to keep her as a friend you can harmlessly flirt with while looking for someone else more meaningful, even if that someone is less magnetic. Indeed, a charismatic partner may always make you feel unsure about how much she actually cares, so once you notice her using her charm on anyone or anything that''s currently holding her attention, you start to wonder who''s most-est special to her, or whether anyone is. You''re right, then, to put on the brakes until you can watch her behavior, gather information about her past relationships, and verify her ability to treat those who are truly close, such as you, with genuine specialness and in a way that lasts. If you''re dating someone who depends on charisma to feel good, as well as to make a living, as do many salespeople, you have additional reason to worry. His manager, ego, and income tell him that he''s respected for his excellent ability to seduce new sales. Unless he is grounded in better values, however, and can tolerate the inevitable "chopped liver" feeling that burdens even the best of partnerships, your relationship may not endure. At the least, those eventual feelings of neglect may fuel a strong need to seek admiration and conquest (those usually come by not being sexually neglected by someone else). Before taking a risk and putting yourself on the line to commit to that charismatic person, find out all you can about past and current relationships. Instead of just paying attention to his enthusiasm and generosity when love is new, ask yourself whether his attachments last after things get unpleasant and annoying, i.e., after an episode of food poisoning or Thanksgiving dinner with your alcoholic grandfather. Get to know his values and observe how much he depends on his charisma to feel good. Charisma can also disguise the usual high-risk personality traits that make la

Description for Library

Board-certified psychiatrist Bennett, author of the New York Times best-selling F*ck Feelings, recommends ditching the idea of blazing love and thinking about what makes for enduring relationships, such as shared interests and goals.

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