ABOUT ME
Ex-ad writer turned tube monger.
That’s right, I park for shit. That’s the important bit. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I’m selling tubes. Parking tickets. Like, a lot of parking tickets.
You know how color blind people can’t see color? I’m sign blind. Line blind, too. To me, the world is just one big empty parking space. That’s the curse of it, I was born free range, all nature and no nurture. I can’t help it. One minute I’m minding my own business trying to mail some tubes, next thing you know my Jekyll comes out and I’m hot wheeling may way up the curb. Sidewalk, sometimes. I’ll stop it, drop it and won't even lock it. Fire hydrants? Hosed daily, fire zones are my freak. Block you into your own garage? Oh, hell yeah. That spot may have your name on it, but whose car is that? Adverse possession is the name of my game. Loading zones? Load of bullshit. Electric cars only? No lightning for your ride today. Asshhole idling right outside your window? You know who. Bike lane? Obstacle course. Peddle your hypocrisy somewhere else, Spandy. Don't see too many folks wearing tights in traffic court. Which is both unfair and disappointing. And I’m there daily.
I’ve begun to think I’ve taken things too far, though. Recently, I started parking in the police lot to attend to my business in traffic court. I mean, it’s right there. And I’m figuring they’d see my wheels and appreciate that I’m trying to do right. But that’s not how they see it. Like at all. Embarrassed, my lawyer quit. But he’s the kind of milquetoast idiot that pays for parking and still uses LOL and a YAHOO! email address with a straight face. Some people.
Doc says if I want to get better I need to ask for help. And I want to get better, I really do. So help me get the help I need and stay on the right side of the law and buy some tubes already. I’m counting on you.
PS: I need a new JD ASAP. Any of you lawyer likes out there want burn some softball days in traffic court, HMU.
PRICING
You’re right, I ain’t the cheapest.
Why? Because I stand behind every single tube I sell. Buying tubes is risky business, especially if you don’t do it every day. But I do. I weed out the bunk tubes, the off-balance tubes, the fake tubes, the microphonic tubes, the misrepresented tubes, the ’don’t challenge my tester’ tubes and all the rest of ‘em, too. But I’m also not infallible, which is why I have the generous return policy that I do.
I take the risk and I take the hits so you don’t have to. Simply put, you get what you pay for. You’re paying for a great tube, peace of mind, and a premium customer experience. Read my reviews. I’m not perfect. But my reviews are — because if I make a mistake, I make it right.
TESTING
I test, you test, we all test.
I’ll keep this short and simple. I test all tubes at least three times; when they first come into my world, when I list them, and again right before shipping. I test them with a recently calibrated Hickcock TV-7 that I meticulously maintain. I test to the best of my ability and I report all results honestly. My results are my results. Your results are your results. The end.
I do not guarantee nor expect that you will have the same results. Hopefully we’ll be close, but at some point our personal testers become a relative benchmark and we need to remember to use them as such. No matter, you can return a tube that doesn’t test well. No questions asked. Just pay return shipping and ensure the tube is in the same condition it was when it left. I photograph all tubes before shipping. If a tube is damaged, or the paint is missing or the label scratched off, or you abused it with a sharpie, etc., it’s at my sole discretion to decide what, if any, money is returned to you. Tread lightly, friend.
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