The Ladies Always Want More

by Joseph Huckaby

"Every woman is attracted to the scent of danger," Mac McDougle says. "Women are attracted to the gifted gunfighter, whose career is dedicated to ridding the West of murderers, molesters and oppressors of the weak or defenseless. The dashingly handsome young man from New Mexico begins his career by saving a ravishing Asian Princess in Chinatown, killing four brigands trying to kidnap the girl. Mac is rewarded by her powerful gangster grandfather, Master Khan, who tells the New Mexican he must quit college and return home. If he remains in San Francisco, the kidnappers will track him down and force him to eat testicle soup-with Mac providing the main ingredient. Mac finds this persuasive. Before he flees, Master Khan rewards McDougle with cash, twelve matching diamonds and a ring with an enormous ruby from the Princess' own finger. The Gunfighter wears it on a gold chain as a talisman the remainder of his adventurous life. Returning home to the family orchard near La Aldea de la Felicidad (Village of Happiness), Mac's incredible gun skills lead him to a career of rendering justice to evildoers-without all those pesky legalities. McDougle's good looks, charm and gentlemanly demeanor help him become the "security consultant" to the wealthy, charging one thousand dollars per head. A feature of Mac's service is that he performs his assignments without unseemly public shootouts and leaves no unsightly bodies. "No body; no crime," is the hallmark of his work. When he leaves the locale of a project, all that remain are his nom de guerre (phony name) and the glow in the hearts of the young lovelies he has charmed. Then Mac's dull, sober, workhorse of a brother, Noah (a possible virgin) meets the beautiful Fiora Belton and falls in love. Attending his brother's wedding, Mac meets the bride's equally lovely sister, Felleana. She infatuates the sworn bachelor with their first dance. He proposes marriage and she enthusiastically accepts. As an engagement present, The King of Gunfighters offers to build his Princess a castle. "The Sisters" (they think and speak as one) immediately shanghai the construction plans. Felleana and Fiora announce to the brothers that the castle will be built to house both couples, where their two families will live as one and raise many children. Mac loves his brother-at a distance-and Fiora at a much greater distance (Nome, Alaska). The women begin planning the castle and spending money as though they are building Versailles. Mac is generous to his core though and encourages the girls to enjoy themselves. He knows there are always miscreants needing punishment and wealthy clients to pay his fee. But "The Sisters" suspect the handsome McDougle's business trips are for something other than "consulting." Also, he seems to enjoy them too much. The deadliest newlywed alive is grounded by The Sisters to Felicidad. His income crashes. The siblings take control of all things McDougle, including it seems the Mac-parts endangered in Chinatown. The gifted shootist plans to reestablish his control (which he never possessed) after the wedding. Both Belton girls had claimed to be virgins (this is the 19th century). After their wedding, Felleana shows a "naughtiness" and an openness to play that surprises the groom. Whenever Mac is happy in bed, he's happy in life. But The Reign of Estrogen grows cruel: Sister Felleana inflicts harsh rules in the bedroom. His world crashes every twenty-three days, casting The Southwest's Greatest Lover into the leper pit as an untouchable. An emasculating trinity is formed by this Lunar cycle and The Sisters. Mac is forbidden any "personal relief," even in solitude, no matter the phase of the Moon. Then one sunny afternoon, a troop of vengeful Chinese warriors enter The Village of Happiness. The Sisters will not be amused.... Worse yet, will the loss of Mac's "soup-stones" no longer be figurative, but literal?