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150 Quotes


    "Well if I've got it, then you've got it too now sir."
    - B to EB

    "Baldric, go forth into the streets and announce that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the streets."
    - EB, "Money", BA2

    "How hurt would you be if I gave you the honest answer. I'd rather french kiss a skunk."
    - EB to B, BA4

    "So you don't know the way to France either - bugger."
    - EB, "Potato", BA2, to Captain Redbeard Rum

    "My Lord, I have a cunning plan."
    - Baldric, several times, BA3 / BA4

    "I think I'll write my tombstone - Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he's bloody annoyed."
    - EB, BA4

    G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do ?"
    EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
    - somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

    EB: "You don't look like Charlie Chaplin, Baldric. You don't have a moustache."
    B: "No, Sir. But I have this - a dead slug."
    - BA4

    EB: "What is your name, boy ?"
    Boy: "Kate."
    EB: "Kate, that's an unusual name for a boy."
    Boy: "It's short for ... Bob."
    - Kate, trying to pass as a boy, BA2

    "Don't worry, you'll get over her. I did, and so did Baldric."
    - EB to Percy, when he discovers a new love, BA2

    "I think the phrase rhymes with Clucking Bell!"
    - EB, after finding out he's going 'over the top', BA4

    "I made a note in my diary on the way over here. It simply reads - bugger."
    - Capt Darling, after being sent to the trench to go over the top, BA4.

    LF: "You should treat your aircraft like you treat your woman."
    BA: "So you should take your plane out to dinner and a movie?"
    LF: "No, get in her 5 times a day and take her to heaven and back!"
    - LF, teaching the 20 minuters, BA4

    "That would be as hard as finding a piece of hay in an incredibly large stack of needles."
    - EB

    G: "What is your name?"
    EB: "Wibble."
    G: "What is 2 plus 2?"
    EB: "Wibble, Wibble."
    - EB, trying to prove he is mad, in his bunker, with underpants on his head and a pendil up each nostril, BA4

    "I'm as excited as a terribly excited person who has a really good reason for being terribly excited."
    - G, after being asked by Gen. Melchett how he feels about going over the top, BA4.

    B: "I want my mother."
    EB: "Ah, yes. A maternally crazed gorilla would come in handy at this very moment."
    - BA4

    "Have you ever visited Planet Earth ?"
    - EB to the General, BA4.

    "You've taken a vow of silence, how fascinating. Tell me about it."
    - Lord Percy, to EB's religios Uncle Whiteadder, Beer, BA2

    "I'm going to a fancy dress party as Lady Hamilton's pussy."
    - EB to the Price Regent, wearing a catskin cloak he bought when he thought he was going to be knighted.
    "Baldric, that is the worst plan since Abe Lincoln said to his wife, I'm sick of sitting around the house, let's catch a show"
    - EB, BA4

    "This will be the greatest moment in art since Mona Lisa walked into the studio and said, I'm feeling a little odd today."
    - EB to G and B, about to do his painting, BA4

    "Nursie, am I glad to see you or did someone put a canoe in my pocket."
    - LF to Nursie, Bells, BA2

    EB: "With 100,000 men dying every day, who's going to miss one small pigeon?"
    BANG!
    G: "Well, obviously not you, sir"
    - BA4

    Bob: "I wanted to see a war run so badly."
    EB: "Well you've come to the right place, then. There hasn't been a war run this badly since Olaf the hairy, King of all the vikings, ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside."
    - EB, BA4

    "We're in a sticky situation all right. This is the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick insect got caught on a sticky bun."
    - EB, BA4

    "Baldric, you have the intellectual capacity of a dirty potato."
    - EB

    "Since then, we've made as much ground as an asthmatic ant with a heavy load of shopping."
    - EB commenting on Allied progress in WWI, BA4

    "Must it end this way, Baldric? Am I to cut you into thin strips and tell the Prince that you walked on an extremely sharp grid wearing a heavy hat?"
    - EB to Baldric, BA3

    "Bloody potatoes. Next thing you know, they'll be eating them."
    - EB to B, Potato, BA2

    "Believe me,Baldric, an eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his hellish minions will be as nothing compared to five minutes alone with me...and this pencil."
    - EB to B, BA3

    "Like private parts to the Gods are we, they play with us for their sport."
    - Lord Melchett to EB, Chains, BA2

    "Oh, it was a scythe!"
    - EB, after playing charades with his guard, Chains, BA2

    "She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils."
    - LF, to camera, about Kate (Bob), Bells, BA2

    "BUM! Get it? Sounds a bit like...bum really"
    - Freddie Frobisher, Beer, BA2

    "My every path is shrewn with cowpats from the devils own satanic herd."
    - EB, Beer, BA2

    "And in Genoa, it is the custom to stand with one foot in a bucket, pin a live frog to one's shoulder braid, and go 'Bibble' at passers-by."
    - EB to Queenie, Head, BA2

    Percy: "Oh, yes, I touched her once."
    EB: "You touched her where?"
    Percy: "In the corridor."
    EB: "I've never heard it called that before."
    - Potato, BA2

    "Bangs like a privvy door when the plague's in town."
    - EB to Percy, Bells, BA2

    "That's very ironic, because I have a thingy that's shaped like a turnip." - B, Beer, BA2

    "Baldric, you wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing subtle plans are here again."
    - EB to B, outside the throne room after (apparently) outwitting Melchie, BA Christmas Special
    Hag: "Two things you must know about the wise woman. First...she is a woman. Second...she is..."
    EB: "Wise?"
    Hag: "Oh! You know her then?"
    EB: "No, just a stab in the dark, which is what you'll be getting in a minute if you don't become more helpful."
    - EB to Olf Hag, Bells, BA2

    "They do say, Mrs Miggins, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong as you shall find out when I stick this toasting fork in you."
    - EB to Mrs Miggins after being called a mere butler, BA3

    "Ah, Percy. The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed."
    - EB to Percy, BA2

    "Well, Baldric, I would just like to say how much I enjoyed your company and friendship but we both know that that would be an utter lie, so Sod Off and if I ever see you again, it will be a billion years too soon."
    - EB

    [Prince Regent]"...he has all the social grace of a potty."
    - BA3

    "...what squirrell...ooohhh, that squirrel."
    - BA3

    "We're as similar as two dissimilar things in a pod."
    - EB to Mrs Miggins re his cousin McAdder
    "I have a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel."
    - EB to B, BA3

    "Mr Blackadder has been made returning officer, after the previous officer tragically cut his head off while combing his hair."
    - Reporter, reporting on EB's new job.
    Queenie : "Lord Percy, either you can Shut Up, Or you can have your head cut off."
    Percy: [Thinks]
    Percy: "I'll shut up."
    - Queenie and Percy, BA2

    "Baaaaaa."
    - EB to Melchie, in prison, BA2 (if you don't understand this one, you'd better watch the last episode of series 2.)

    "Many apil-ogies for the in-con-wien-ience".
    - Queenie reading Price Ludwig's letter, BA2 (again, if you haven't seen it, this one will be lost on you).
    "...but the Prince is young and foolish and has a peanut for a brain..."
    - EB to Dr Samuel Johnson, author of the Dictionary, BA3

    "I am minuspeptic, frasmotic, even compunctuous to have caused you such pericabobulations."
    - EB to Dr Samuel Johnson, author of the Dictionary, BA3

    LF: "I wasn't born yesterday, you know."
    EB: "More's the pity, we could have started your personality from scratch."
    - EB and LF, BA4

    "Sir, you are one of the most foul, disgusting, immoral, perverted men that I have ever known. Have you considered a career in the church?"
    - The baby eating Bishop of Barton Wells, after seeing the portrait, Money, BA2

    "Well baste my steaming puddings!"
    - Blackadder Christmas Special.
    EB: "First Name?"
    B: "I'm not sure."
    EB: "Come on, you MUST have a first name."
    B: "It might be Sod Off."
    EB: "Sod Off??"
    B: "Yeah, when I was a young lad playing in the gutter, I used to say to all the other snipes, "Hello, my names Baldrick". And they'd say, "Yes we know, Sod Off Baldrick"
    - Blackadder and Baldrick filling a application form..
    "Well cover me in egg and flour and bake me for 14 minutes!"
    - Lt. George on discovering that the nurse was the spy, BA3

    "Permission for lip to wobble, Sir?"
    - George on the belief that Blackadder is dead, BA4

    "..I have decided to spend the money on... A Big Party, Can't decide between between my two faves, so I've decided to keep the money and spend it all on a Big Splash Up. Hope you arn't too miffed. By-eee"
    - Queens letter on the ransoms, BA2

    "Those who soil a Wellington put their foot in it. This is not a joke. I don't find my name even remotely funny and those that do end up dead."
    - Duke of Wellingtons letter to The Prince Regent, BA3

    "I don't care if he has been rogering the Duke Of York with a large leek. He killed my pigeon."
    - General Meltchett on the death of his 'Speckled Jim', BA4

    EB: "You have absolutely no idea what irony is, have you Baldrick?"
    B: "Yes I have. It's just like steely and goldie, 'cept it's made of iron"
    G: "Oh yes, that says 'Here is a man'"
    EB: "Or here are my genitals"
    - Blackadder on the Princes stance advised by the actors, BA3

    G: "What I can't understand is why anyone would want to kill you, Blackadder"
    EB: "I rather think that is was you they after, your Highness"
    G: "What makes you say that?"
    EB: "Well, the words 'Death to the stupid prince' first brought it too my attention"
    - EB and G on death attempt on Prince, BA3

    "Your problem is that you can't tell the differnce between acting and reality, Blackadder"
    - Prince holding a bomb in his hand, BA3

    "What you, Shorty greasy spot, spot"
    - The Queen to Prince Ludwig, BA2

    Melchett: "I'll never see England again, Her rolling hills, her swooping swallows..."
    EB: "Her playful sheep.."
    - Meltchett and Blackadder in Ludwig's Prison, BA2

    "Everything is still the same. Lord Percy is still unemployed, your animal is still not housetrained, and nursie here is still a few sticks short of a bundle."
    - The Queen wraps up the court situation, BA2

    "Ah ah, not so fast. No that it would make any difference. We have the preliminary sketches..."
    - EB to the Bishop of Barton Wells, after showing him the incriminating painting, BA2

    "I'm afraid that might not be far enough. Apparently the head Mongol and the Duke are good friends. They were at Eton together."
    - Blackadder to the Prince trying to escape the Duke's wrath, BA2

    "The idea of the game is to give away all your money as fast as you can."
    - The Prince's idea of how cards are played, BA3

    "Oh my god she's been arrested and hanged!"
    - The Prince discovers what happened to his Beloved Amy.., BA3

    "We're your firing squad."
    - The firing squad meets Blackadder, BA4

    George: "Apart from this occasion do you think of Blackadder as a man who would normally disobey orders?"
    Darling: "Yes."
    George : "Are you sure? I was rather banking on you saying 'No' there."
    - George questions Capt. Darling, BA4

    "Me and you of course Darling, Field Marshall Haugue, and Field Marshell's Haugue's wife, All her friends, her friends servants, her friends servants tennis partners, and some man I bumped into in the mess last week named "######""
    - Generals list of people knowing of the secret plan, BA4

    "So only me and the rest of the English speaking world then"
    - Blackadders summary of who knows of the 'Secret Plan', BA4

    "If I'm mean and nasty then my desendants will rule the universe, but if I'm not I'll end up wearing Baldricks posing pouch"
    - Blackadder to Spirit of Christmas.
    "Darling, stop slouching"
    - General to an unconscious Capt Darling (headbutted by Flash), BA4

    "You'll need a very convincing injury then."
    - General while shooting Darling in the foot to get him in hospital, BA4

    "I remember when I was young putting out biscuits and a drink for Father Christmas - And then scoffing it all because I was a princess and I could do whatever I want!"
    - Queen in BlackAdders Xmas special

    EB: He has more flour mills than you have brain cells.
    G: Really how many mills has he got?
    EB: Seven!
    G: Ah yes, that is a lot!
    - G, looking for a wife, EB talking about an Industrialist's wealth, BA3

    "Like the beard bridesmaid, gives me something to hold on to!"
    - Flash to Baldric, BA2, 'Bells'

    "Here is a pouch of money, which I'm not going to give to you."
    - Lord Blackadder to Old Hag, 'Money'

    "Because if it wasn't I'd have to chop it off and that wouldn't be very nice would it, I mean, imagine the mess when she got a cold! Yuck!!"
    - Queeny to Edmund Blackadder, BA2, 'Bells'

    "Why walk all the way to London when you can make a fortune lying here on your back?"
    - Kate's father to Kate, BA2, 'Bells'

    Lord Melchett: "Lord Blackadder. Our foremost cartographers have given us a map of the area you'll be traversing."
    EB: "But it's blank!"
    LM: "Yes, they'd like you to fill it in as you go."
    - BA2

    EB: "I thought it was common maritime practise to have a crew."
    Capt Rum: "Well, opinion on the matter is divided m'Lord. All the other captains say it is. I say it isn't."
    - BA2

    Baldrick: (after being shot in the groin with an arrow). "I shall call it my lucky willie. Years from now I shall take it out and show my grandchildren.
    EB: "I think grandchildren are out of the question Baldrick."
    - BA2

    Lord Melchit: "What I drunk last night, would have floored a rhinoscerous."
    EB: "Yes, if it was allergic to lemonade."
    - Beer, BA2

    Lady Whiteadder: "Edmund. I hope you haven't invited more guests. For where there are guest there are people to fornicate with."
    EB: "Well then, I'll just tell them to fornicate off."
    - Beer, BA2

    EB: "I've got a problem with my manservant."
    Doctor: "Well, just pop it on the table and we'll have a look at it."
    - BA2

    Percy: "But aren't they the most fanatical puritians in all of England?"
    EB: "Yes, But they have one redeeming feature. Their wallets. As capacious as an elephants scrotum, and about as difficult to get your hands on."
    - BA2

    Prince Ludwig - The indestructable: "So Lord Melchit. We meet again."
    LM: "No, I don't recall."
    PL: "Remember that lonely shepherd you used to sit with."
    LM: "No you're not.."
    PL: "Yes Lord Melchit. I. I was Flossey. BAAAAAA."
    - BA2

    German Guards: Further insulting guestures to the prisoners. (Guards place hands on hips and thrust them forward. Melchie and BA kick or punch guards in groin. Guards collapse.)
    EB: "Trust me to get the hard one."
    - BA2

    Prince George: "To me, Blackadder, socks are like sex. Tons of it about, and I never seem to get any."
    - BA3

    "Ah ha. Lets see if I've got this straight."
    "If I admit that I'm in love with..."
    [guard shakes his head."]
    "No??"
    [guard does a half somersault]
    "Oh, If I say that I'm head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards, you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument resembling some kind of gardening tool, but we can't quite make that out, and roast them over a large fire.
    Whereas, if I don't admit that I'm head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards, you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmalade..
    [pause..sees guard isn't finished...realisation]
    AND remove my testicles with a blunt instrument resembling some kind of gardening tool.
    Well in that case, I love Satan....
    [guard produces a scythe]
    Oh, it's a scythe....."
    - EB, BA2

    "So what you are saying, Percy, is something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else . . that you have never seen?"
    - EB to Percy, BA2

    EB: "Baldric, why do you have a piece of cheese tied to your nose?"
    B: "To catch mice, my lord. I lie on the ground with my mouth open and hope they scurry in."
    EB: "Do they?"
    B: "Not yet, my lord."
    EB: "I am not surprised. Your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom."
    [Later, Baldric walks in with a dead mouse tied to his nose]
    EB: "Why?"
    B: "I got tired of the all-mouse diet, my lord. I thought I'd try cat instead."
    - BA2

    EB: "I wish to send some party invitations. In order to make them look particularly fierce, I wish to sign them in blood. Your blood, to be precise."
    B: "Ah, I see. Will you be requiring me to cut off an arm or a leg?"
    EB: "Good lord, no! A little prick will do."
    - BA 2, Beer

    EB: "It is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so by learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God"
    Percy: "Yes, I've heard that"
    EB: "Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead, to remind me I'm best"
    - BA2

    "To you, Baldric, the Renaissance was something that just happened to other people, wasn't it?"
    - EB to B, BA2

    "A man may fight for many things: his country, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mudwrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a stack of French porn."
    - EB, BA4

    "Not the Jane Harrington? Jane 'Bury Me in a Y-shaped Coffin' Harrington?"
    - EB to Percy, BA2

    "We live in an imperfect world, Baldric... If we lived in a perfect world, things like this wouldn't happen." (whacks Baldric on the back of the head).
    EB: "What's for dinner Baldrick?"
    B: "Rat au Van."
    EB: "mmmmm... Rat au Vin!"
    B: "Yes, it was going to be just plain Rat but the Van ran over it."
    - Discussing the dinner menu, BA4

    "Madam, without you, life was like a broken pencil...it was pointless."
    - EB to Queenie, BA2

    Melchit: "Some pleasant word game perhaps?"
    EB: "OK make a sentence from these words, face sodding your shut"
    - BA2 when Edmund and Melchit are captured by Ludwick
    EB: "Flash where have you been?"
    LF: "Where haven't I been, wooow!!"
    - BA2

    LF: "I have a plan, and it's as hot as my pants, woow!!"
    - BA2

    LF: "Nursey, I like it firm and fruity"
    - BA2

    LF: "Ask me why I don't wear any underwear"
    EB: "Why don't you have any underwear?"
    LF: "Because a pair of pants haven't been invented that will take the job on. wooooow!!"
    - BA4

    Baldric (?I think it was him): "Do you always talk to yourself?"
    EB: "Yes. It's the only way I can be sure of having an intelligent conversation."
    EB: "Percy, the colour of gold, is gold. Whatever you have discovered if it has a name would be called green."
    Percy: "Oh Edmund can it be true, that I hold in my mortal hands a nugget of purest GREEN??"
    - Percy after discovering the secret of alchemy, BA2

    EB: "Birdbrain and birdneck, should get on like a house on fire!"
    - Edmund talking about Percy and Baldrick, BA2

    EB: "Maybe to another plate swallowing bird"
    - Talking to Precy, when he is wearing a new ruff and thinks he's attractive
    George: "Tell me about these oppressed masses. What's got them so worked up ?"
    EB: "They're upset, sir, because they are so poor that they are forced to have children merely to provide a cheap alternative to turkey at Christmas."
    - BA3

    George: "I've just had another brilliant idea."
    Edmund: "Another one?"
    George: "Yes, you remember the one I had about wearing underpants on the outside to save on laundry bills."
    - BA3

    George: "Honestly Blackadder, I'm sick of you treating me like I'm some sort of thickie. Well it's not me that's thick, it's you Mr. thickie Black thickie Adder thickie."
    - BA3

    EB: "One more insult from him and the contract between us will be as broken as this milk jug."
    Baldric: "But that milk jug isn't broken."
    EB: "You really do walk into these things, don't you Baldric?"
    - BA3

    EB: "Who me sir ? Mr. thickie Black thickie Adder thickie ? Mr. hopelessly dribbly, can't write for toffee, crappy butler weed ? Mr. extremely under-valued butler who hasn't had a raise in a fortnight."
    - BA 3

    "Bend over Blackadder, it's poker time"
    - The baby eating bishop of Barton Wells
    "But beneath this boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless, sadistic maniac"
    - EB talking to the "executioning crew" in Head, BA2

    Percy: "I use to dream of being an actor in my youth. They did call me the man of a thousand faces."
    EB: "So how did you come to choose the ugly mug you've got now?"
    - BA2

    "The Germans are such a cruel and inhuman race, they have no word for fluffy"
    - BA4

    "As the good Lord says, love thy fellow man as you love yourself, unless they are Turks, then kill the b+stards"
    - King Richard IV, leaving for a Crusade, BA1
    EB: "Percy, have you ever wondered what your insides looked like?"
    Percy: "Sometimes My Lord, yes."
    EB: "Then I have the means here to satisfy your curiosity."
    - EB, wielding dagger, to Percy who is being his usual moronic self, BA1

    "So will I just shimmy up the drainpipe and ask her if she wants to take a consignment of German sausage ?"
    - George, BA3

    "The Prince wants to take your daughter for his wife."
    "His wife can't have her!"
    - BA3, Amy and Amiability
    "I want to be well known and famous and hundreds of years from now I want my life's story to be played out weekly at 9:30 and I want to be portrayed by the most heroic actor of the time "
    "Father, Father, come quickly.... there seems to have been a horrible] accident."
    - BA to the king, concerning a canon and someone's head, BA1

    Peasants: "Who is that dark stranger", "That'll be prince Edmund"
    - BA1 ( after Edmund disguises himself with a piece of string so no one with a grudge will give him the plague )
    EB: "Trial by water?"
    WS: "No, trial by axe?"
    EB: "By, er axe."
    WS: "Yes, by axe. The accused head is placed on a choping block with an axe aimed at it. If the axe bounces off, the accused is guilty and is burnt at the stake."
    EB: "And if he is innocent?"
    WS: "The axe simply CUTS HIS HEAD OFF!"
    EB: "How very fair!"
    - Witch Smeller Pursuivant (sp?) & Edmund BA1
    "Ah, cappucino."
    - Baldrick confesses to BA that all the coffees that have been served for the past few months have in fact been mud, with dandruff for sugar and spit for milk. Baldrick makes a cuppa for Captain Darling, who upon receiving it looks into the cup, BA4
    "Why don't you take a short holiday Baldrick .... did you enjoy it?"
    - BA2 ?

    EB: "You know what the good thing about this present is Baldrick ?"
    [Inserts his hand and arm into Baldrick's empty Christmas stocking]
    B: "No"
    EB: "You can use it again and again and again."
    [EB withdraws his hand from the Christmas stocking and punches Baldrick in the face a few times]
    "Fortune vomits on my eiderdown yet again"
    - EB, BA3

    "I'm being crapped on by cattle from the devil's own satanic herd!"
    - EB, BA3

    Henry Tudor(from behind curtain): "BAAAH"
    Queen: "Oh Edmund, its the lying I find so hurtful."
    EB: "BAAAAH"
    - While queen is searching Adder's room for 'female' company, after asking if any sheep were in there and EB denying it.
    "B+gger me with a fish fork"
    - Gen. Melchett, BA4

    "Go out and get me a goose so large you would think its mother had been rogered by a omnibus."
    - EB to B, Christmas Special
    "Death and famine stalk the land like two great stalking things."
    "I only smoke after making love, so back home in England I'm a twenty a day man."
    - EB to Nurse Brown, BA4

    "I'm as bored as a pacifist's pistol."
    - George
    EB: "Surely you've noticed something in the air?"
    G: "Yes, but I thought that was Baldric."
    - BA4

    "There was a tiny flaw in the plan. It was b*llocks."
    - EB to G and B, BA4

    "They seek him here
    They seek him there
    Those Frenchies seek him everywhere
    Is he in heaven
    Is he in Hell
    and what's that revolting garlic smell"
    - BA3

    "I was then taken and hung by the larger of my two testicles from the wall of the Bastille. It was at this stage I decided I'd had enough"
    - BA3