You may choose to include any or all

of the free options below :-

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FREE OPTION 1
Occasion

Your choice of occasion on the front of your card:-

eg : - Happy Birthday,
Congratulations,
Get Well Soon,
Good Luck,

ROCK ON

... etc.

Ages can be printed also.

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FREE OPTION 2
Name

Name of your choice on front,
(instead of the name pictured in the example.)

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FREE OPTION 3
Inner Dedication

Name of your choice on inside, (before the greeting.)
(If no name is given then we will use the name you gave for the front.)

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FREE OPTION 4
General Inner Message

Any Message printed on the inside.
eg. "Happy Birthday",
"Good Luck",
"Congratulations",

Happy Smegging Birthday!

Boys From The Dwarf!!!!

I've come to regard you as someone I've met ...

... or anything you can think of.

Ages can be printed also.

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FREE OPTION 5
Personal Inner Message

Any Message printed on the inside.
eg. "From... " + Name(s),
"With Love from ..." + Name(s) etc.
(If no message is give then it will be left BLANK)

Any Message printed on the inside.
eg. "From... " + Name(s),
"With Love from ..." + Name(s) etc.
(If no message is give then it will be left BLANK)

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FREE OPTION 6
Posted

We shall place the card and envelope in separate weather-proof envelope

and send it to you to sign and post yourself.

(Or supply us with the name and address* of the special person

and we can post it directly to them, cutting out time and postage costs,

but remember to include who the card is from on the Personal Inner Message.)

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Full money-back guarantee if unhappy.
Designed to high specifications, make someone feel special with a personalized card.
Printed on 285 gram photo quality glossy card, with coloured insert for that extra luxury.
Blank C5 self-sealing white envelopes are also provided.

Designed to high specifications,

make someone feel special with a personalized card.

Customize your card:-

Choose the design, the occasion, the name,

and make many other choices on the outside and the inside of the card.

Choose from Sports, Hobbies, Animals, Cult TV & Film,

Landscapes, Music, Literature, Art, Funny Stuff, etc.

Landscapes, Music, Literature, Art, Funny, etc.

PERSONALISED GREETING CARD

SPACE CORE DIRECTIVES

It is our primary overriding duty to contact other life forms, exchange information, and, wherever possible, bring them home By joining SpaceCorp, each individual tacitly consents to give up his inalienable rights to life, liberty, and adequate toilet facilities.

Crew members are expressly forbidden from leaving their vessel except on production of a permit. Permits can only be issued by the Chief Navigation Officer, who is expressly forbidden from issuing them except on production of a permit.

Any officer found to have been slaughtered and replaced by a shape-changing chameleonic life form shall forfeit all pension rights.

In an emergency situation involving two or more officers of equal rank, seniority will be granted to whichever officer can program a vcr.

Terraformers are expressly forbidden from recreating Swindon.

Work done by an officer's doppleganger in a parallel universe cannot be claimed as overtime.

During temporal disturbances, no questions shall be raised about any crewmember whose timesheet shows him or her clocking off 187 years before he clocked on.

No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go into combat with pierced nipples

To preserve morale during long-haul missions, all male officers above the rank of First Technician must, during panto season, be ready to put on a dress and a pair of false breasts.

The log must be kept up to date at all times with current service records, complete mission data, and a comprehensive and accurate list of all crew birthdays so that senior officers may avoid bitter and embarrassing silences when meeting in the corridor with subordinates who have not received a card.

No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity

Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women's gym will be discharged without trial.


Quotes

    "Call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with a major - and I mean major - leaflet campaign."

 

    - Rimmer, Polymorph.

--------------------

    "I've been so worried I haven't buffed my shoes in my two days."

 

    - Cat, Marooned.

--------------------

    Rimmer: "I've seen Westerns, I know how to speak cowboy."

 

    [Steps up to the bar]

 

    Rimmer: "Dry white wine and Perrier, please."

 

    - Rimmer, Gunmen of the Apocalypse

--------------------

    “I tell you one thing. I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets, and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle."

 

    - Lister, Demons and Angels

--------------------

    I knew I was lying. No silicon heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go?

 

    - Kryten, The Last Day

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    Has anyone ever told you that the configuration and juxtaposition of your features is extraordinarily apposite?

 

    - Kryten, Camille

--------------------

    Of course, lager! The only thing that can kill a vindaloo!

 

    - Lister, D.N.A.

--------------------

    How come you need more memory? Over the years you've had more RAM than a field of sheep!

 

    - Cat, Tikka to Ride

--------------------

    Lister: You absorb knowledge from every person you kill?

 

    Epideme: So you can appreciate killing you ain't exactly a career highlight. No offence, but when you're a virus, there ain't much call for knowing how to open a lager bottle with your anus.

 

    - Lister and Epideme, Epideme

--------------------

    There's only three alternatives: it thinks we're either a threat, food or a mate.... It's either gonna kill us, eat us or hump us. Either we persuade him we're not that kinda oceanic salvage vessel, or we scarper pronto.

 

    - Lister, Back to Reality

--------------------

    Lister: Hey guys, look at me body.

 

    Cat: Now there is an invitation that will NOT cause a stampede.

 

    - Lister and Cat, Back in the Red part 1

--------------------

    "Let's at least ask someone who's at least going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion. Hello, wall! What do you think? "

 

    - Kochanski, Beyond a Joke

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    I'm so gorgeous, there's a six month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear, every time I am near!"

 

    - Cat, Back in the Red

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    Last time we met I was wearing a cute little black number with peach trim and gold spangles, and although it looks like I'm wearing the same outfit today, it is in fact an entirely different cute little black number, with completely different gold spangles!

 

    - Cat, Rimmerworld

--------------------

    (to Rimmer) Your nickname was never Ace. Maybe Ace Hole. "

 

    - Lister, Kryten

--------------------

    Rimmer: Lister, if you must know, I submitted a discourse on porous circuitry that was too... radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.

 

    Lister: Yeah. You said you were a fish!

 

    - Rimmer and Lister, The End

--------------------

    I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000; the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.

 

    - Holly, Future Echoes

--------------------

    David Lister, Technician, 3rd class. Captain's remarks: "Has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero."

 

    - Holly, Waiting for God

--------------------

 

    Arnold Rimmer, Technician, 2nd Class. Captain's remarks: "There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer. Promotion prospects: comical."

 

    - Holly, Waiting for God

--------------------

    Rimmer: Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly.

 

    Lister: C'mon, that was a joke!

 

    Rimmer: Yes Lister, the same kind of joke as putting my name on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery.

 

    - Rimmer and Lister, Me2

--------------------

    Rimmer [on owing 8500 in tax]: What? This is wrong! This is dead wrong!

 

    Lister: It doesn't matter now. Not gonna catch you now, are they?

 

    Rimmer: Just because we're three million years into deep space and the human species is extinct? That means nothing to these people. They'll find us.

 

    - Rimmer and Lister, Better Than Life

--------------------

    The aforementioned Rimmer, to whit, me, attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychedelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous

 

    - Rimmer, Stasis Leak

--------------------

 

    I was in love once. A Sinclair ZX81. People said, no, Holly, she's not for you. She's cheap, she's stupid and she wouldn't load, well, not for me anyway.

 

    - Holly, Stasis Leak

--------------------

 

    And the moral of the story; appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic!

 

    - Holly, Queeg

--------------------

 

    Cat: An orange whirly thing in space!

 

    Lister: It's a time hole. That's where they are. We're going in.

 

    Cat: Are you crazy We can't go in there!

 

    Lister: Why not?

 

    Cat: Orange, with this suit?

 

    - Cat and Lister, Backwards

--------------------

 

    Well, the thing about a black hole - its main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them?

 

    - Holly, Marooned

--------------------

 

    Rimmer: [While Lister is examining his 19th century toy soldiers] Please be careful with those, they're antiques! How's General Dumuoriez going to look with goat vindaloo all over his tunic?

 

    Lister: It'll make him look more realistic, it'll look like he's got dysentery.

 

    - Rimmer and Lister, Marooned

--------------------

 

    Lister: Barbara Bellini, what a beautiful name. There's no justice, how can this happen to me? Maybe I can wear a turban and pretend I'm from India.

 

    Cat: Maybe you can stick a spike in your head and pretend you're the Taj Mahal!

 

    - Lister and Cat, Justice

--------------------

 

    Who allowed this man, this pathetic man, this man who could not outwit a used teabag, to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew? Who? Only a yogurt!

 

    - Kryten, Justice

--------------------

 

    Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smeg pot. Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.

 

    - Lister, Holoship

--------------------

 

    The Inquisitor: Justify your existence. What contribution have you made?

 

    Cat: I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass!

 

    - The Inquisitor and Cat, The Inquisitor

--------------------

    Lister: Kryten! Are you okay, man?

 

    Kryten: I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.

 

    - Lister and Kryten, Quarantine

--------------------

    Kryten: With respect sir, you think Jesus was a hippie.

 

    Rimmer: Well, he was. He had long hair and he didn't have a job. What more do you want?

 

    - Kryten and Rimmer, Demons & Angels

--------------------

    I haven't been this embarrassed since I was loosening my adjustment screws, and my entire groinal box dropped into Mr Rimmer's soup.

 

    - Kryten, Stoke Me a Clipper

--------------------

 

    How did I end up like this, on a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry?

 

    - Kochanski, Duct Soup

--------------------

    You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritans switchboard and four people committed suicide. Your middle name is Judas but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan. You sign all your official letters "Arnold Rimmer BSc" and the BSc stands for "Bronze Swimming Certificate". You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse.

 

    - Lister, The Inquisitor

--------------------

    Just let me check: thermos, sandwiches, corn plasters, telephone money, dandruff brush, animal footprint chart, and one triple thick condom... you never know!

 

    - Duane Dibbley, Emohawk

--------------------

    Kryten, kindly get to the point before I jam your nose between your cheeks and make it the filling of a buttock sandwich.

 

    - Rimmer, Rimmerworld

 
--------------

"I've come to regard you as someone I've met ..."

- Rimmer

Space Corp Directives :-

    It is our primary overriding duty to contact other life forms, exchange information, and, wherever possible, bring them home.' (Not given a number on-screen but listed as a primary overriding duty.) ("Polymorph")

    In order to prevent gender ambiguity, all prisoners without a penis will be classified as female. ("Back in the Red, Part Two")

    Space Corps super chimps committing acts of indecency in zero gravity will lose all banana privileges. ("Back to Earth, Part Two")

    'Derelict ships have to be made safe before the senior officer ventures on-board.' ("The Promised Land")

    Any unnecessary ship should dispose of itself by flying straight into the nearest sun. ("Fathers & Suns"). (Stated as JMC policy pursuant to the Space Pollution Act)

    During disposal, the ship's nuclear reactor should be fired into a black hole, along with the ship's hologram. ("The Promised Land")

    Individually, holograms may be off-lined and erased, with their hard-drives shot out and detonated by nuclear fusion. ("Back to Earth")

    The on-board computer is tasked with appraising a ship's worth to the Jupiter Mining Corporation and decommissioning it if it serves no useful purpose. This does not happen while a ship has crew performing essential duties, or even duties to an adequate level. ("The Promised Land")

    JMC protocol states. 'No ship may be decommissioned that contains living crew members who are listed on the manifest.' ("The Promised Land")

        Criminal acts, including violating quarantines, forfeit crew privileges in such considerations, such as rights of residency.

003. 'By joining Star Corps each individual tacitly consents to give up his inalienable rights to life, liberty and adequate toilet facilities.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)

005. 'Computers guilty of gross negligence, leading to the endangerment of personnel, may be replaced by a backup computer.'(although titled as an article) ("Queeg")

112: States that a living crew member always outranks a mechanoid. ("Terrorform" deleted scene)

121 - No food or liquids around in the work stations (this is labeled as a health and safety protocol instead of a space corps directive). ("RD: Entangled")

142. States that in a hostage demand situation, a hologrammatic crew member is entirely expendable. ("Terrorform" deleted scene)

147. 'Crew members are expressly forbidden from leaving their vessel except on permission of a permit. Permits can only be issued by the Chief Navigation Officer, who is expressly forbidden from issuing them except on production of a permit.' ("Ouroboros", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)

'Protocol 175' - No running in the corridors. This was a rare occasion where Rimmer actually got a SCD right; at the time Kryten was going off to fetch some clothes for a naked Irene Edgington. ("RD: Entangled")

195. States that in an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew-members might survive. ("White Hole")

312. States that crew members in quarantine must be provided with minimum leisure facilities, which Rimmer takes to mean: 'a chess set with 31 missing pieces, a knitting magazine with a pull-out special on crocheted hats, a puzzle magazine with all the crosswords completed and a video of the excellent cinematic treat, "Wall-Papering, Painting And Stippling — A DIY Guide". ("Quarantine")

349. 'Any officer found to have been slaughtered and replaced by a shape-changing chameleonic life form shall forfeit all pension rights.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)

497. 'When a crew member has run out of credits, food or drink may not be supplied until the balance is restored' (although titled as an article) ("Queeg")

592. 'In an emergency situation involving two or more officers of equal rank, seniority will be given to whichever officer can programme a VCR.' (PBS ident, also included on the DVD for Series VIII, Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)

595. A quarantine regulation (probably something like "any member of the crew who has been in anywhere that carries disease must go into quarantine). ("Quarantine")

596 The crews files are for the eyes of the Captain only. ("Waiting for God", ""Back to Earth, Part Two")

597. One berth per registered crew member. ("Quarantine")

699. States that crew members may demand a re-screening after five days in quarantine showing no ill effect. ("Quarantine")

712. All new officers must have an accolade on promotion to be fully accredited as an officer. When Rimmer found himself temporarily made an officer through an act of gross deception, Rimmer told Kryten that he wanted his own accolade to be held in the "Hall of Heroes" with a six gun salute, and an hour long tribute to himself. ("Officer Rimmer")

723. 'Terraformers are expressly forbidden from recreating Swindon.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book). In the United States, 'Swindon' is changed to 'Cleveland'. (PBS ident, also included on the DVD for Series VIII).

997. 'Work done by an officer's doppelganger in a parallel universe cannot be claimed as overtime.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)

1694. 'During temporal disturbances, no questions shall be raised about any crew member whose time-sheet shows him or her clocking off 187 years before he clocked on.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)

1742. 'No member of the Corps should ever report for active duty in a ginger toupee.' ("Psirens", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)

1743. 'No registered vessel should attempt to traverse an asteroid belt without deflectors.' ("Psirens")

5796. 'No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go into combat with pierced nipples.' ("Psirens")

5797. Possibly something to do with a crew member being unable to enter the ship for the safety of the crew when in an area of chameleonic lifeforms, although it could be that Kryten just decided to give up arguing with Rimmer rather than Rimmer quoting a valid directive. ("Psirens")

7214. 'To preserve morale during long-haul missions, all male officers above the rank of First Technician must, during panto season, be ready to put on a dress and a pair of false breasts.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)

7713. States that the log must be kept up to date at all times with current service records, complete mission data and a comprehensive and accurate list of all crew birthdays so that senior officers may avoid bitter and embarrassing silences when meeting in the corridor with subordinates who have not received a card. (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)

34124. 'No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity.' ("Legion", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)

43872. 'Suntans will be worn during off-duty hours only.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)

68250 Is never quoted, but is known to be impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi and involves sacrificing poultry, presumably the Jewish ritual "Kapparot". ("Emohawk: Polymorph II")

76239. 'Extreme caution should be taken on the naturist deck when peeling carrots.' ("The Promised Land")

196156. 'Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women's gym will be discharged without trial.' ("Rimmerworld", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)

1947945. 'A mechanoid may issue orders to human crew members if the lives of said crew members are directly or indirectly under threat from a hitherto unperceived source and there is inadequate time to explain the precise nature of the enormous and most imminent death threat.' (quoted by Kryten in the original script for "Back to Reality")

5724368217968B. 'At all times show your allegiance to Red Dwarf in the US by picking up your phone and calling your local public television station with your pledge.' (PBS ident, also included on the DVD for Series VIII; Kryten complains that Rimmer has just made it up)

39436175880932/B. 'All nations attending the conference are only allocated one parking space.' (Although this is given the title ' The All-Nations Agreement') ("Gunmen of the Apocalypse")

39436175880932/C. 'POW's have a right to non-violent constraint.' ("Gunmen of the Apocalypse")

Rimmer Directive 271 states clearly, "No chance you metal bastard."