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Vampires Suck

The comedy masterminds behind Epic Movie and Meet The Spartans drive a squeaky rubber stake through the heart of the Twilight series with this irreverent satire about a teenage girl who's torn between two supernatural suitors. As Becca struggles to contend with her overbearing father, two fierce rivals compete to win her heart. But Becca isn't the only high-school student having a hard time with boys her friends are all desperate to find a date for the prom, and as the big night draws near, the rampant tension draws out the animals in everyone. From . If any pop-culture phenomenon ever deserved a send-up, surely it's the Twilight world, with its overheated vampire love and shirtless teenage werewolves. The moment is seized by Vampires Suck, yet another movie parody from the team of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the boys behind Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans. As in their previous spoofs, Friedberg and Seltzer string together some jokes around the plot, a few topical references, and a barrage of irrelevant pop-culture allusions (unless you can figure out how Tiger Woods, the Kardashians, and Lady Gaga are relevant to the proceedings). The first couple of Twilight pictures are rapidly condensed, with heroine Becca (Jenn Proske) moving to a rainy town in Washington and meeting the unnaturally pale Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), whose vampire clan can hardly keep from draining Becca's blood on the spot. Of course there's also wolf-boy Jacob (Chris Riggi), who reminds Becca that he is contractually obligated to take his shirt off and expose his bare chest (his torso here is more elaborate than in the real Twilight movies) every 10 minutes. That joke is an example of how far Vampires Suck is behind its own audience the movie hits the obvious points, with plenty of dead air in between. A few gags pay off, including Jacob's werewolf clan (shirtless, natch) breaking out into a dance routine to "It's Raining Men." And Jenn Proske, in her film debut, does a lights-out impersonation of Kristen Stewart's trembling Bella from the series, right down to every last downward glance and stutter. It's a performance that deserves a better setting. --Robert Horton
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