Summaries and Blurbs from the Author

"Tales of Feldman" has got to be about the most self-blurbed-about zine in fandom; the author had a different one for each ad, and one each in different zines.

a 1981 flyer printed in Antithesis #14

• "Peculiar Announcement -- The Library of Demented Treklit will soon have available, on a lend basis only, 'Tales of Feldman.' In the tradition of Harlan Ellison's theory that there are bound to be a few rotten apples in the Enterprise bunch, Demented Treklit takes courage in presenting Ensign Fiona Feldman. Follow her merry angst as she bobs and weaves between court-martial, and other generally lousy situations, only to wind up in the same old place... but not quite. 'Tales of Feldman' asks the question: Why did Starfleet take this Jewish girl? Why haven't we had any more Jewish Mary Sues? Why, in all probability, will we never have one again? For the answers to these and many other peculiar questions, SASE to Mindy." ^[7]

• "Peculiar Announcement #2 -- 'I belted my Capain. I also clapped a bucket over the head of my first officer -- I'd hate to think what was in it.' What was in that bucket? Could it merely have been yellow rain water? The answer to these and many far more bizarre questions will not be found in 'Tales of Feldman.' The Library of Demented Treklit takes a vicious sort of pride in presenting the saga of an atypical crewmenber -- abnormal would be more like it -- which quickly degenerates into the sorry tale of a match made in hell. 'Tales of Feldman' is available on a lend basis only (perhaps with good reason)."^[8]

• "Peculiar Announcement #3 --Though the Fleet's soon to be repealed Freedom of Information Act, you, that's right, you, can get all the dirt on Federation vs. Feldman, the shoddy court-martial case that has made absolutely no headlines. Why? Because Starfleet's Chief Surgeon, none other than Bertha Feldman (a.k.a. Big Bertha), has spent a small fortune covering it up. (The esteemed in-laws of Ensign Feldman, who, for obvious reasons, choose to remain anonymous, have also contributed handsomely.) But now, for a limited time only... you can hold all the sordid details in your sweaty little hands. The Library of Demented Treklit will, until they are caught doing so, offer, on a lend basis only, 'Tales of Feldman." ^[9]

• "Why is McCoy laughing? Is it because Spock is wearing a dress? Or because Spock doesn't have the legs for a dress? Is it because Spock has the legs of a chicken?" ^[10]

• "Identify the following quotation: 'I will give thee hemorrhoids. I will give they father hemorrhoids. Why hast thee given thy sehlat hemorrhoids?' A) lyrics to a popular pre-Reform Vulcan love song; B) Spock's final statement to T'Pring; C) Kirk's last memo to Spock; D) Words of traditional Vulcan marriage ceremony, badly bungled by poor Jewish girl who was trying her best." ^[11]

• "Tell me it's normal for an individual to choose, voluntarily, to sign away five years of life at zero plus two pay per annum, to go nowhere in a big tin can full of fascists.' In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed person is constantly being bumped into. SASE for more information, or if you are tire of information send a $4.00 deposit plus an SASE." ^[12]

• "Why does Ensign Feldman make Mr. Spock dance with Dr. McCoy? a) To embarrass the First Officer?, b) Because the Doctor paid her a lot of money?, c) To get the Vulcan in practice for a Jewish wedding?, d) At the time it seemed like the logical thing to do? If you look real hard, the answer to this question can be found in 'Tales of Feldman,' the underground classic that's coming up for air." ^[13]

• "'Tales of Feldman' is finally available! What happens when a nice, normal, Jewish neurotic runs away to see the stars and wind up with your garden-variety, pointy-eared, obsessive-compulsive?" ^[14]

• "Are you dissatisfied with the kind of Spock-and-a-woman stories you've been reading? Looking for a story where: A) Spock isn't a sap, B) the woman isn't perfect, C) the woman isn't beautiful or even half-Vulcan, D) the woman doesn't die in the end? And on top of all this, do you want something well-written and really funny? You've come to the right ad. 'Tales of Feldman' just happens to have won Mindy Glazer this year's Fan Q award for best Star Trek writer, and this year's Trekstar award for best Star Trek humorist. And if that's not enough of a recommendation, there here's another one: try it, you'll love it (everybody else has)." ^[15]

• "The Library of Demented Treklit takes a vicious sort of pride in presenting the saga of an atypical crewmember -- abnormal would be more like it -- which quickly degenerates into the sorry tale of a match made in Hell." ^[16]

• "Can a Jewish neurotic find happiness in the stars? Can she find love with a Vulcan obsessive-compulsive? Can she find her way out of a paper bag?" ^[17]

• "TOF offers the first Enterprise Chinese Food Fight, Spock in drag, and the Women's Gynecological Liberation and Hosannah Society. It also asks the question: How are women's rights in the 23rd Century like women's rights in the 20th? And it answers: Someone keeps taking them away."^[18]

• "The Library of Demented Treklit has the dubious honor of presenting TALES OF FELDMAN. What begins as the story of a soldier merely unfit for military duty quickly degenerates into the sorry tale of a match made in hell. Watch the merry hijinks as Ensign Feldman screws up her first landing party assignment, returning to the ship under threat of court-martial, or possibly sudden death. Watch as she withstands aliens, fellow crewmembers, even most of her commanding officers, only to be undone by the onslaught of wedded bliss. Watch her whine her way into your heart, firmly believing that misery loves company. Watch her disappear before your very eyes! WARNING: IF YOU HAVE ANY SENSE OF TASTE YOU WILL PROBABLY BE COMPLETELY OFFENDED. THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN TALES OF FELDMAN ARE THOSE OF FICTIONAL CHARACTERS WHO DON'T EVEN EXIST, SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T BLAME ME. ADDITIONAL WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS NO EXPLICIT SEX OR VIOLENCE -- THAT I'M CIRCULATING, ANYWAY -- BUT IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO WORDS SOME CONSIDER OBSCENE AND/OR GO INTO SPASMS FROM LAUGHING TOO HARD THE LIBRARY OF DEMENTED TREKLIT ASSUMES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ENSUING APOPLEXY AND/OR STROKE. AND YET ANOTHER WARNING: THIS ISN'T REALLY FOR EVERYONE. PLEASE TAKE NOT: BECAUSE OF ALL THE ABOVE, AND POSSIBILITY JUST TO BE PERVERSE IN ADDITION, THERE WILL BE AN AGE STATEMENT REQUIRED. For those of you who may object to this, or find it embarrassing, your do not actually have to state you age. You must, however, state that your are OVER 18 YEARS OF AGE and sign your name to that statement. Now, if you're still interested in receiving TALES OF FELDMAN, send money. TALES OF FELDMAN is offset, over two hundred pages, and contains zero artwork, except for where I played with graphics a little bit. It is intended to amuse, but you know what they say about the road to hell. After you have read TALES OF FELDMAN, you may wish to send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for Volume II (of Tales of Feldman). Of course, you may also wish to jump off a bridge. Any and all correspondence, sases and invitations to suicide may be sent to [address redacted]. IDIC, or, as Feldman would say, You should live and be well. ^[19]