1. The Bad Beginning
I'm sorry to say that the book you are holding in your hands is extremely unpleasant. It tells an unhappy tale about three very unlucky children. Even though they are charming and clever, the Baudelaire siblings lead lives filled with misery and woe. From the very first page of this book when the children are at the beach and receive terrible news, continuing on through the entire story, disaster lurks on their heels. One might say they are magnets for misfortune In this short book alone, the three youngsters encounter a greedy and repulsive villain, itchy clothing, a disastrous fire, a plot to steal their fortune, and cold porridge for breakfast. It is my sad duty to write down these unpleasant tales, but there is nothing stopping you from putting this book down at once and reading something happy, if you prefer that sort of thing.
2. The Reptile Room
If you have picked up this book with the hope of finding a simple and cheery tale, I'm afraid you have picked up the wrong book altogether. The story may seem cheery at first, when the Baudelaire children spend time in the company of some interesting reptiles and a giddy uncle, but don't be fooled. If you know anything at all about the unlucky Baudelaire children, you already know that even pleasant events lead down the same road to misery. In fact, within the pages you now hold in your hands, the three siblings endure a car accident, a terrible smell, a deadly serpent, a long knife, a large brass reading lamp, and the re-appearance of a person they'd hoped never to see again. I am bound to record these tragic events, but you are free to put this book back on the shelf and seek something lighter.
3. The Wide Window
Having escaped Count Olaf's clutches for now, the three Baudelaire siblings, Violent, Klaus and Sunny, arrive on the shores of Lake Lachrymose to stay with their latest guardian, Aunt Josephine. Sadly, though kind and well-meaning, Aunt Josephine is terrified of absolutely everything: she will not heat her radiators, use the telephone or cook food, just in case those ordinary tasks prove fatal. Worse still, she gives Violet a doll called Pretty Penny and obsessively corrects the children's grammar. It is not long before local sailor Captain Sham, a thinly-disguised Count Olaf, gulls Aunt Josephine with the idea of a surprise for the children. Aunt Josephine suddenly goes missing that night, leaving a highly ungrammatical note, and the Baudelaire's must once again fight their way out of Count Olaf's wicked schemes. Finally, after sailing across the Lachrymose Lake in Hurricane Herman, a nasty moment in the Curdled Cave and an unpleasant encounter with the Lachrymose Leeches for Aunt Josephine, they unmask Captain Sham as Count Olaf. Olaf slips through their grasp once more but evilly promises to find them again, as he will in The Miserable Mill.
4. The Miserable Mill
I hope, for your sake, that you have not chosen to read this book because you are in the mood for a pleasant experience. If this is the case, I advise you to put this book down instantaneously, because of all the books describing the unhappy lives of the Baudelaire orphans, The Miserable Mill might be the unhappiest yet. Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire are sent to Paltryville to work in a lumbermill, and they find disaster and misfortune lurking behind every log. The pages of this book, I'm sorry to inform you, contain such unpleasantries as a giant pincher machine, a bad casserole, a man with a cloud of smoke where his head should be, a hypnotist, a terrible accident resulting in injury, and coupons. I have promised to write down the entire history of these three poor children, but you haven't, so if you prefer stories that are more heartwarming, please feel free to make another selection.
5. The Austere Academy
In The Austere Academy, Violet, Klaus and Sunny are at first optimistic--attending school is a welcome change for the book-loving trio, and the academy is allegedly safe from the dreaded Count Olaf, who is after their fortune. Hope dissipates quickly, however, when they meet Vice Principal Nero, a self-professed genius violinist who sneeringly imitates their every word. More dreadful still, he houses them in the tin Orphans Shack, crawling with toe-biting crabs and dripping with a mysterious tan fungus. A beam of light shines through the despair when the Baudelaires meet the Quagmires, two of three orphaned triplets who are no strangers to disaster and sympathize with their predicament. When Count Olaf appears on the scene disguised as Coach Genghis (covering his monobrow with a turban and his ankle tattoo with expensive running shoes), the Quagmires resolve to come to the aid of their new friends. Sadly, this proves to be a hideous mistake.
6. The Ersatz Elevator
If you have just picked up this book, then it is not too late to put it back down. Like the previous books in A Series of Unfortunate Events, there is nothing to be found in these pages but misery, despair and discomfort, and you still have time to choose something else to read. Within the chapters of this story, Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire encounter a darkened staircase, a red herring, some friends in a dire situation, three mysterious initials, a liar with an evil scheme, a secret passageway and parsley soda. I have sworn to write down these tales of the Baudelaire orphans so the general public will know each terrible thing that has happened to them, but if you decide to read something else instead, you will save yourself from a heapful of horror and woe.
7. The Vile Village
You have undoubtedly picked up this book by mistake, so please put it down. Nobody in their right mind would read this particular book about the lives of Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire on purpose, because each dismal moment of their stay in the village of V.F.D has been faithfully and dreadfully recorded in these pages. I can think of no single reason why anyone would want to open a book containing such unpleasant matters as migrating crows, an angry mob, a newspaper headline, the arrest of innocent people, the Deluxe Cell, and some very strange hats. It is my solemn and sacred occupation to research each detail of the Baudelaire children's lives and write them all down, but you may prefer to do some other solemn and sacred thing, such as reading another book instead.
8. The Hostile Hospital
Fleeing the village of VFD, after some time in the Deluxe cell for a murder they did not commit, the Baudelaires hide with the Volunteers Fighting Disease on their way to the Heimlich Hospital. Addressed by Babs, who can only be contacted through an intercom speaker on a desk, the orphans start work with the near-sighted Hal in the hospital library of records. Hal says he remembers a file in the records to do with the Snicket fires, but before the children can find it, Babs is suddenly replace by Mattathias - none other than Count Olaf - who plans to inspect every employee in the hospital. Staying late to find the file, the Baudelaires find a picture of their parents with Jacques Snicket, and another, partly obscured figure who may be a writer. But at that moment Esme Squalor arrives - Klaus and Sunny escape, but Violet is led to the operating theatre for a cranioectomy. Disguising themselves, Klaus and Sunny manage to rescue the unconscious Violet, but not before Esme has set fire to the library of records, adding arson to the false charges now facing the children. Chased through the now burning hospital, they make their escape, only to discover that the only way out is to hide in the trunk of Count Olaf's car - possibly the most dangerous place of all.
9. The Carnivorous Carnival
The ninth in the Series of Unfortunate Events continuing the story of the Baudelaire orphans. Read by Tim Curry. This carnivorous work contains such a distressing story that consuming any of its contents would be far more stomach-turning than even the most imbalanced meal. Read if you dare!!!
10. The Slippery Slope
Klaus and Violet attempt to follow their sister, who is trapped by Count Olaf in a car driving fast up the mountain. First they must stop the caravan they are travelling in hurtling over a cliff. While Sunny is obliged to make breakfast for Count Olaf, his unpleasant associates and the repellent Esme Squalor, Klaus and Violet have come across Carmelita Spats in a cave, and, incredibly, Quigley, the last Quagmire triplet who is in fact alive. Climbing up to the smouldering remains of the VFD headquarters, the Baudelaires find themselves at the bottom of a steep, icy slope, leading up to Count Olaf and Sunny. Olaf has been joined by people even more evil than he is, and kidnaps Carmelita, while the Baudelaires escape along the Stricken Stream, hoping to meet the survivors of VFD at Hotel Denouement.
11. The Grim Grotto
Unless you are a slug, a sea anemone, or mildew, you prabably prefer not to be damp. You might also prefer not to read this book, in which the Baudelaire siblings encounter an unpleasant amount of dampness as they descent into the depths of despair, underwater. In fact, the horrors they encounter are too numerous to list, and you wouldn't want me even to mention the worst of it, which includes mushrooms, a desperate search for something lost, a mechanical monster, a distressing message from a lost friend, and tap dancing. As a dedicated author who has pledged to keep recording the depressing story of the Baudelaires, I must continue to delve deep into the cavernous depths of the orphans' lives. You, on the other hand, may delve into some happier book in order to keep your eyes and your spirits from being dampened.
12. The Penultimate Peril
If this is the first book you found while searching for a book to read next, then the first thing you should know is that this next-to-last book is what you should put down first. Sadly, this book presents the next-to-last chronicle of the lives of the Baudelaire orphans, and it is next-to-first in its supply of misery, despair, and unpleasantness. Probably the next-to-last things you like to read about are a harpoon gun, a rooftop sunbathing salon, two mysterious initials, three unidentified triplets, a notorious villain, and an unsavory curry. Next-to-last things are the first thing to be avoided and so allow me to recommend that you put this next-to-last book down first, and find something else to read next at last, such as the next-to-last book in another chronicle, or a chronicle containing other next-to-last things, so that this next-to-last book does not become the last book you will read.
13. The End
Like an off-key violin concert, the Roman Empire, or food poisoning, all things must come to an end. Thankfully, this includes "A Series of Unfortunate Events" by Lemony Snicket. The final installment in Mr Snicket's baker's dozen of books will answer readers' most burning questions: Will Count Olaf prevail? Will the Baudelaires survive? Will the series end happily? If there's nothing out there, what was that noise? Then again, why trouble yourself with unfortunate resolutions? Avoid the thirteenth and final book of Lemony Snicket's international bestselling series and you'll never have to know what happens.
